Thank God for the Conscience of the Nation

Chinatown - The camera zooms in on Hadassah Lieberman’s hands as they sort through the day’s mail. She comes across a bill from FirstCare and tears it open. $243 for ear wax removal for the Senator formerly known as Joe Lieberman’s recent blockage!

No co-pay, no more.

That $243 will be coming out of pocket!

That’s a scene from the new reality TV show, “Caring for the Conscience of the Nation … and his family.” In discussions on the Senate’s version of the proposed health care bill, the Senator formerly known as Joe Lieberman has asserted, “If the public option is in there, as a matter of conscience, I will not allow the bill to come to a final vote.”

It is only logical that if the Senator formerly known as Joe Lieberman scuttles an agreement in the days ahead and keeps some 30 million Americans from attaining health care, there are three things we have to do as a nation:

(1) Pass legislation that bars the Senator formerly known as Joe Lieberman, his wife Hadassah, his four children, and five grandchildren from carrying any form of health care. This might not seem fair. But it isn’t easy being right when everyone else is wrong. The Senator formerly known as Joe Lieberman is willing to prove it. Besides, while it might get painful when it is time for more grandchildren or a root canal, this arrangement will give the Senator formerly known as Joe Lieberman a better chance to be in touch with his public. See below.

(2) Bestow the official title of “Conscience of the Nation,” upon the Senator formerly known as Joe Lieberman. I propose a nationally televised ceremony where a council of elders led by Bob Dole, Angela Lansbury, John McLaughlin, and Rue McClanahan present the Senator formerly known as Joe Lieberman with a certificate proclaiming his official authority as the “Conscience of the Nation.” No longer will he be called “Senator Joe Lieberman” or even “Shoeless Joe” for his hi-jinks in the Dirksen cafeteria. Instead, on all talk shows, committee hearings, public events, and religious occasions, the Senator formerly known as Joe Lieberman will be referred to as “The Conscience of the Nation.”

For example, at TGI Fridays, the waitress will have to ask, “Does the Conscience of the Nation prefer soup or salad with his Johnny Walker salmon filet?” Or when he is dunking at Madison Square Garden, Marv Albert will have to yell, “YES! The Conscience of the Nation serves up a facial to Nate Robinson.”

(3) Produce a reality TV show called “Caring for the Conscience of the Nation.” A weekly half-hour show which tracks the highlights of Lieberman family’s new health-care less life -- this will blow the Kardashians out of the water! Some potential classic scenes:

· The Conscience of the Nation explaining to his grandson that he can’t ever play sports because of the risk of injury. He then presents his grandson with War and Peace and some $9 reading glasses from CVS and tells him to “grow wise like his grandfather.”

· A minor auto accident sends the Conscience of the Nation to the emergency room with a stiff neck! The Conscience of the Nation is forced to endure a six-hour wait and 20 pages of paperwork that he can’t lean over to fill out.

· H1N1 circulates through our system, so it is time for a chicken soup cooking lesson with Mrs. Conscience of the Nation. Who needs immunizations when you’ve got kreplach?

At the end of each episode, Bernice, a snippy, short-haired, glasses-wearing British accountant will review the Conscience of the Nation’s finances. We find out how much the Conscience of the Nation paid in medical costs that week and receive updates on his financial worth as well as projections about what an extended stay in the hospital will do to his grandchildren’s prospects for higher education and/or vacations outside of Connecticut.

Each episode would also include an Andy Rooney styled address from the Conscience of the Nation. This would be a chance for the Conscience of the Nation to share his feelings about current events. I think I speak for us all when I say I’m dying to know the Conscience of the Nation’s thoughts on Tiger Woods. This segment would also be an opportunity for the Conscience of the Nation to enlighten us on the ins and outs of how we should live our daily lives. When riding the subway, when is it okay to stretch across three seats, for example?

For the Conscience of the Nation, this segment would be a grand opportunity to connect with the millions of Americans who need his help and guidance. There are so many of us who just don’t have access to the wisdom and moral superiority that the Conscience of the Nation offers so effortlessly. Of course, they’ll have to vary the time during the show that the Conscience of the Nation offers his monologue. If they are back-loaded a la Andy Rooney, some Americans may tune out before the program is over.